I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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