i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
