It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
