She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
