Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Farmville is her only friend.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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