Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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