It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
