I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
