i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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