I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
