Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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