New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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