Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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