Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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