Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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