Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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