I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
