I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
