My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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