you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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