dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
