Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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