I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
