Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We had to coat check the pizza.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
