I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
