he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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