i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
