she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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