the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He passed out mid-signature
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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