me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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