Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
