I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
