well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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