Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
