You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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