the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
