the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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