one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
