i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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