He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I didn't notice because vodka
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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