Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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