the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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