how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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