Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
