I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
