i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
