ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
