I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
