he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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