i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
