She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
